Hilarious.

Artwork by T.J. Kirsch.

There are literally millions of desperate, intellectually defenseless people rushing downhill on the road of bad advice, overly simplified solutions, and television psychology hoping to learn the secrets of marital happiness. The false promises of matrimonial bliss, and a Walt Disney "happily ever after" ending are usually too much to resist for people who have beaten down and disillusioned by the realities of life. Like Cult leaders, self-help propagandists present themselves as the bastions of morality, and those willing to share the secrets of this otherwise elusive thing called "happiness". With their gleaming white smiles, clever catch phrases, and soothing tones they litter the road with banana peels, and after you fall, they'll be kind enough to offer you help up off of your ass, and a way to ease your pain. Hilarious.

“Nowhere else can you view such a self-sustaining juggernaut fueled by complain-a-holics and misery addicts.”

The economics of the self-help business is staggering. As such, in order to sustain their financial empires, self-help (self-hurt?) guru's create a psychological and emotional dependence on themselves, much in the way that any traditional cult leader will. Damn, that Kool-Aid must be good. They want you to view them as Saviors, Healers, or even Messiahs, and follow them and their teachings toward prosperity. In exchange for your devotion, not to mention the money spent on their products, and the advertising revenue generated from their "free" television or radio shows, you'll get to belong to a group of selfrighteous, indignatious, purveyors of truth and light.

Welcome to the Guyana of the Internet, otherwise known as the Dr. Phil Messageboards...

Nowhere else can you view such a self-sustaining juggernaut fueled by complain-a-holics and misery addicts. Dr. Phil need not take time out of his busy schedule to post here himself, rather he prefer his flock regurgitate his warmed over platitudes, and ineptly recite them at the expense of fledgling self-help addicts.

Moderated by an anonymous group of sexual conservatives who will delete any message that dare fall outside the narrow convictions of Dr. Phil (I've had a few of my posts deleted), McGraw-ites who are otherwise ill equipped to negotiate their own marital woes are free to unabashedly display their lack of expertise.

Under the heading "Marriage", this board boasts such topics as "Abuse", "Infidelity", "How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship", "Divorce", "The Other Woman", "Cheated On", and my personal favorite simply titled "Sex", where if you read what tragedies some of these people's sex lives have become, should be titled "Lack of Sex". Conversely, I decided to peruse a "Swinger's" forum, where the subject titles include "Does the Lifestyle Make You Feel Younger?" "Top Ten Party Faves", and "Is One Orgasm Enough?" Amazingly, the majority of the former group seems to be despondent, discontented, and emotionally destitute in their marriages, while the majority of the latter appear to be living in loving, contented, if not extraordinary marriages. Conventional wisdom, otherwise known as the disinformation perpetuated by the self-help industry, will have us believe that the facts are simply not the facts. Do you want to believe your own eyes, or them? Here, have some more Kool-Aid.

“Real empowerment within the confines of a relationship (for both men & women) is the ability to be truthful and honest about your wants, needs and desires without fearing the social retribution of sexual bigots like Dr. Phil.”

Regardless of the marital statistics, which do not bode well for the type of traditional "Vanilla" marriage that Dr. Phil endorses, he and his misguided group of die-hard, sex-o-phobic followers will reject the notion of negotiated non-monogamy being conducive to a healthy, happy relationship. This, after all, would negate people's dependence on him, and drive cult members away.

His teachings ignorantly suggest that monogamy is the ONLY healthy way for a sexual relationship to exist. When presented with non-monogamy as a viable option, McGraw has angrily questioned people's sanity ("Are you insane!?"), and has actually had the audacity to insult them with schoolyard taunts such as "Slime" and "Loser". This is opposed to the "sanity" which exists in traditional, (allegedly) monogamous marriage, where heading in you stand a greater than 50% chance of failure, while the majority of the remainder aren't exactly living in wedded bliss. Apparently, "sanity" is a subjective term.

It appears that the Dr. Phil Message boards, which seems to be made up of equal parts of self-important dullards and the sensibly susceptible, is the perfect breeding ground to sustain the Dr. Phil addiction. The bombardment of cliché's and catch phrases is the ideal fodder to nurture the Mars/Venus culture that he uses so expertly to his advantage. Men cheat, watch porn, and are inherently promiscuous. Women are emotional victims. What often happens inside these forums is that women feel falsely empowered and impose "McGraw Morality" ("Kick him to the curb", "You don't get to decide, she gets to decide") on their husbands, but in order to do so, they must first forsake their own sense of sexual equality.

The truth is that once a woman surrenders sexual equality, once they have relegated themselves as non-sexual beings, they have already given up their validation. Real empowerment within the confines of a relationship (for both men & women) is the ability to be truthful and honest about your wants, needs and desires without fearing the social retribution of sexual bigots like Dr. Phil. It means never apologizing for who you are, and how you feel. Rather than actually utilizing these forums for their betterment, many McGraw-ites will never admit that the actual reason for inventing a silly little user-name, and putting in their two cents is to come away better armed for the Mars/Venus conflict, which is inherent in Vanilla marriage.

Sanity? Dr. Phil? Hilarious.

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