Ups And Downs:

Friendship In The Swinging Lifestyle

The swinging lifestyle as it is popularly portrayed – and, arguably, usually practiced – is above all an exploration of humanity's earthly, hedonistic tendencies. Orgiastic pleasures tempt us and delight our senses, leading us from one experience to the next...

It is, above all else, this desire to taste the forbidden fruit that sets swingers apart from our vanilla counterparts.

Still, if nothing else, this is a very human activity – and even the most voracious human appetites cannot thrive on sex alone. Swingers need human contact as well, and it is increasingly likely among today's lifestylers that social connections (however fleeting they may be) are formed.

I have long observed that the term "friend" is thrown about casually in our society, largely serving as a reward for those whose company we enjoy (even when they are really, at most, merely activity partners and acquaintances).

For those in our sub-culture in particular, it is often applied to someone we've recently met or played with a few times – or even those we periodically converse with in online communities for swingers. It is a form of shorthand, a necessary shorthand, since English cannot convey the various types of social and emotional connections people can share.

Sometimes, though, you make friends. Real friends. It can happen in the oddest of places.

In our case, it started in an elevator.

You know the drill: Short dress, high heels, nice slacks, button-down shirt. Typical lifestyle attire. We were dressed up and en route to a house party in downtown Los Angeles.

Upon arriving at our destination, we were joined in an elevator by another couple. They were young, attractive and very friendly. We chatted for a bit and quickly realized that we were going to the same party.

While we didn't exchange much more than pleasantries that night, they did track our online profile down soon after and we proceeded to trade a few emails back and forth. A couple of months later we did hook up, and – happily – the sex was great!

While our initial encounters were of the usual lifestyle variety, we soon found that we shared other interests and started engaging in rather vanilla activities as well: Movies, local events, cultural events, video games, hiking. We helped them move. They made us dinner, which is an especially nice touch as neither of us can cook worth a damn.

While we were enjoying the company of our new-found friends, beneath the surface this was a somewhat difficult time for us.

The same month we met our friends I received a phone call from my mother. She had been diagnosed with cancer, a disease which has long ravaged our family. She tried to remain positive (she had once beaten a different form of cancer, twenty years before), but I could tell that it was weighing heavily on her mind.

It weighed on mine as well. I had always been very close to my Mom, and the regular phone calls with her were difficult to take. I was not confident that the treatments were working, and over a period of several months her health started to decline. Chemotherapy was becoming less effective and, worse still, she was beset by terrible pain that no amount of medication seemed to offset.

These were dark days, and as time passed I could not shake the feeling that her prognosis would not improve. I tried my best to remain upbeat for her sake, but hope in such circumstances is hard to come by.

From time to time we continued to visit our new friends, enjoying their company and a welcome – albeit temporary – reprieve from what was happening. Even so, I found it incredibly difficult to disguise my emotional state. There were times, I'm sure, that I came across as standoffish and aloof. If it bothered them, they never let on.

In late June of 2007 I received a phone call from a family member letting me know that my mother's condition was worsening daily and that it would probably be a good idea to visit her as soon as possible. My wife and I took an indefinite amount of time off from work and traveled back home. A day after I arrived we admitted my mother to the hospital. I was by her side when she passed away two weeks later. She was only fifty-six years old.

The following months were indescribably difficult in many ways. I was tasked with taking care of a number of things I would rather have avoided: Funeral arrangements, various legal matters and making the long trek back home. These were among the hardest days of my life.

Less than half a year has gone by since my mother's passing. While the initial shock has begun to wear away as one might expect, the normal process of grieving has at times been thwarted by various family dramas in the time since, and the approach of the holiday season held little cheer for me.

Friendship is not just a word. Not to me, especially after the last several months. It is not a word that captures the essence of those whose presence you enjoy. It is not, needless to say, a valid descriptor for those who are simply enjoyable to fuck.

No, it is something else entirely.

While we were gone for those three weeks and on short notice, our friends took care of our beloved cats for us. They sent us regular updates, even going so far as to post pictures (and video!) online to remind us that our furry children were in good hands and provide us with a little much-needed levity.

When we returned, they expressed their condolences but did not linger on what had happened unless one of us brought it up. They were patient with my moodiness and provided plenty of distraction when I needed it most.

More touching still, they opened their home to my wife and I when we needed cheering up and even invited us to spend the holidays with them and their respective families when we were without any close family of our own.

They did not have to do these things, but they did – and it has greatly helped my wife and I through a very difficult time. Most recently, we all celebrated the dawn of a new year together, an event perhaps more significant to me this year than most.

Things always change, but the future needn't look bleak when in good company.

There are those who say that the lifestyle is largely superficial, devoid of anything beyond seeking the next hook-up. To some extent, that's hard to dispute. The lifestyle can be purely superficial, if you want it to be – and that works well for some people.

Even in the context of the lifestyle, there can be a point where life throws you in an elevator, and – amongst all the ups and downs – you find yourself with some unexpected new friends.

Maybe the ride isn't so bad after all.

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