We swingers have all been there. You're at a party with your partner. Across the room, another couple is staring at you as if they want to eat you alive. You don't find them particularly attractive, but to be civil, you smile and nod. Unfortunately, that's all the encouragement they need, and they descend on you like a pair of starving hyenas. Again you try to be polite; you make small talk and maybe even let them buy you both a fresh drink. Beside you, your partner is starting to fidget uncomfortably. The woman is making doll eyes at him and twirling her cocktail straw suggestively while they talk about politics. Meanwhile, you are uneasily moving away from her husband's hand on your spine, trying to make it clear that you are not interested in the least through pure body language. And the time is now fast approaching that you'll have to say something to stop it. But what? You don't want to be rude. You're not out to embarrass anyone. But if Mr. "Oh you have such a beautiful back..." doesn't stop touching you soon, you're going to give into the urge to deck him. Now what?

You develop sensitive feelers early on in the lifestyle
that tell you whether there is interest there or not...
Well, at least most of us do.

Being a woman in the swinger lifestyle, it's often left to me to give the yea or nay in this type of situation. My husband is far too polite and gentlemanly to tell any woman to get lost. I don't really mind. I like having the control. And 99.9% of the time, it's an easily handled scene. You develop sensitive feelers early on in the lifestyle that tell you whether there is interest there or not on the other side- well, at least most of us do. And even when you do have to refuse someone, it's usually handled graciously by all involved. But then there are those that can't take a hint, like the couple in the scenario above. It's never pleasant having to spell it out for people, but here's a few tips on how to make it as painless as possible for everyone involved.

Artwork by T.J. Kirsch.

Do it in Stages...

Body language is always the first clue in either direction. Just as we might lean into someone we are attracted to, wanting to be closer to them, we find ourselves instinctively moving away from those we are not. If someone touches your arm and you shrink away, even a little, that's usually a good indication to stop advancing to the other side. Sticking close to your partner is also a effective way of doing it. How can anyone hit on you when he's got his arm wound around you tightly? What are they going to do, pluck you right out of his arms? Although admittedly, I have had someone try to do that, it was a rare occurrence. You are indicating possession in this case, and nobody wants to interfere with that. This also works in the other direction- often I've had to save my partner from someone who was getting too frisky by sidling in until I was between them. It can be done, just try to keep it subtle.

Make Excuses...

If someone you are not interested in wants you to join them, at a table or another room or at a hotel later, tell them you have somewhere else you need to be. I have a friend who is a master at this- she can politely and with a look of great regret turn down any offer so that the person asking is left feeling completely at ease, ego intact. How can anyone be injured when you just must go visit with (insert name here) who is across the room, waiting for you! Then gracefully slip away, partner in tow, with a smile. Keep it friendly, keep it light, and this will almost always work. The bad thing about this tactic is that often people will corner you again at a later date, forcing you to come up with another excuse, until it seems you are either the busiest little social butterfly in existence, or a liar. So use it sparingly. If they don't get the message the first time, you'll have to move on to the next level.

Just Say No...

When I say that, I mean tactfully. This is not the stage where you tell someone to get the hell away from you. Try to remember what you would feel like on the other side of this rejection, and do it with gentleness. If you've got your partner stuck like glue to you, and are unable to escape the other couple's radar with any excuse, try this instead.

Asking another swinger to explain the reasons they are not attracted to you is paramount to asking Mother Theresa if she ever had sex. You just DON'T DO IT.

"I'm sorry, but I just don't think we're a match." Yes. I know. It sounds a little corny, and many are afraid that being that direct will insult the other party. But really, it's the kindest thing you can do at this point. You aren't shouting at the person or embarrassing them in front of others. And frankly if they haven't gotten the hint by now through other methods, I don't think they are so sensitive that this will harm them anyway. I am usually the one that delivers this line. Again, my husband is more than content to take the backseat and let me mastermind everything. He will only step in if the situation escalates. Most of the time when you get this far, people realize what's going on and will step away, leaving you free to pursue other, more fitting entertainment for the evening. Although the other party may feel a little disappointed, for the most part everyone involved walks away content with a smile. And you've managed to keep things friendly. It's only the very rude that will press you for a reason- in which case you are NOT obliged to answer! Asking another swinger to explain the reasons they are not attracted to you is paramount to asking Mother Theresa if she ever had sex. You just DON'T DO IT. If they do ask you, well then, consider yourself no longer morally obliged to their comfort and go ahead and tell them if you really wish. Of course, at this point if someone hasn't gotten the hint, I have no qualms in telling them exactly were to stick their bad pick up lines and icy cold hands. But you probably shouldn't be doing that. It is, admittedly, bad form. So for the dignity of all concerned, the best thing to do would be to walk away.

What If They're Still After You?...

Wow, you got yourself a bad one. I'd say the swingers that fall into this category are less than five percent of anyone you'll meet in the swinging lifestyle. Anyone that won't take a direct no, when graciously given, in the swinger's scene doesn't belong there. This is a big no-no for swingers. Don't trouble yourself any further with this cretin. Go immediately to the management or the host of the party and explain the situation. Whoever breaks this rule will probably be removed. And your party will be all the better for it.

Hopefully these various techniques will remove you from any unwanted attention with the minimum of unpleasantness. Always use the lowest factor first, please. It will reflect well on you and ensure a good time for all involved. Rejection is a part of swinging but it can be navigated with a minimum of fuss or lost hubris, if you do it right. If you keep in mind how you might feel to be on the other side of the rejection, chances are you will always handle things appropriately.

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