I am a psychotherapist. My job is counseling individuals, couples, children and families in order to cope with mental illness and the ongoing stresses of life. I'm also a swinger. More swingers know that I'm a therapist than the other way around. As you might imagine, when my occupation comes up in lifestyle party small talk, I invariably get the half-joking, half-serious, "Can you help me and my partner?"

Well, no. Actually I can't. In the state where I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, the ethical standards put forth by my professional association mandate that we shall avoid dual relationships. Telling someone who I've just watched get gang-banged to bring her partner down to my office next Thursday... well, that really couldn't get more "dual" in terms of a relationship. My fun, flirty answer to that question is, "sure, but then I can't fuck you," but even that is a parody of the truth. If one of my clients showed up at a swing party, there would be a negotiation and one of us would leave, most likely me and my unhappy non-psychotherapist partner. So I can't do marital counseling with couples in the lifestyle community even if I wanted to (and I'm not sure I want to, because again, I may rather fuck them). What I can do is deliver saucy observations, and hopefully some helpful advice behind the cushiony, possibly cowardly, but mostly safe and liberating shield of a pseudonym.

“Both men and women make better couples as strong individuals, especially ones who know themselves and can express themselves without being irrational and reactive.”

Sometimes, at a lifestyle event, I feel like that kid in the film The Sixth Sense who can see dead people. While that appears to be the most unsexy thing possible to think given the context, please indulge me. Instead of the famous line, "I see dead people," I'll be saying, "I see sad people." Like that kid, sometimes I feel rather haunted by the hints of insecurity, jealousy, anger, and sometimes painful awkwardness that manifests in tones of voice and little gestures and vibes that travel through the air at frequencies that only dogs and shrinks can perceive. It's easy to become hyperconscious of other people and how they're feeling. Sometimes, I have to work at not noticing those little nuances so I can throw down and have a good time like everyone else. But most of the time I am comforted by the humanity of it all. I prefer to swap with the guy who might feel a little self conscious that his girlfriend is half his age and admits it than the same guy when he is bragging about how many houses he owns. Hearing a woman who appears to be physically perfect talk about her boob job scars admittedly can put me at ease.

Don't get me wrong, I want to play with the confident people and not the snivelers who latch onto me and my partner for a validation fuck. I just prefer authentic confidence to braggadocio. Being someone whose work requires me to sit and listen to people pour out their insecurities, I am always going to be more tuned in to that frequency, so it is unfortunately fairly easy for me to spot insecurity expressed through a boast. Although that type of behavior is somewhat obvious to us all.

To shift from snarking and put on my healer hat, I do see ways that many lifestyle couples could improve their relationship and have a better time swinging. There are so many levels of social interaction present in a lifestyle event that it can be emotionally and mentally overwhelming. We can all feel a little insecure about our desirability both as sex and company. There are things we can do to take better care of ourselves and our partners.

The different levels of social interaction sometimes cause confusion and bring into question the security of our relationship to ourselves, our relationship to our partner, and our relationship to the community. The relationship to ourselves is the one I see most frequently passed over . Too many of us, especially the ladies, leave it to our partners and everyone else to make us feel comfortable, completely forfeiting our own voice in situations that are discomfiting and freaking out about it later. Often we blame our partners for not rescuing us from situations they were supposed to discern we didn't like, even though as far as our partner knew we were enjoying ourselves.

I think the number one thing that would improve the lifestyle as an entire community is if every man and woman took responsibility of being true to him or herself. This includes finding your voice and learning how to communicate your true feelings in a way that is centered. This includes finding little ways to take care of yourself when something emotionally triggers you. This includes doing sexual acts when you want to and not for any other reason (and I'm not just talking to women here, plenty of men take one for the team). This means learning the art of saying no with style and respect. And, this includes doing whatever you need to do in order to be centered in your life as a person first and a partner second (like spirituality, alone-time, exercise, right decisions, etc.). Both men and women make better couples as strong individuals, especially ones who know themselves and can express themselves without being irrational and reactive.

The relationship with a partner vastly improves when we improve this relationship with ourselves. Then we are free to see our partner as their own human being rather than an extension (and therefore a reflection) of you. This allows you to be present in your sexual encounters with other people and to enjoy your partner being sexual with others. This allows you to rely on your own conversational skills and interaction style and to have your own relationship with others on your own terms. And I think this type of strength in individuality benefits partnerships because when we see our partner as a human being rather than an extension of ourselves, we are moving back into the magical space we inhabited when we were first dating and falling in love. That time with our partners, when we saw them as a separate human being from us, exciting and new with much to learn about and less to take for granted, was hot.

Strong relationships with ourselves and strong partnerships make for a strong lifestyle community. If we have done the work with our partners to establish a strong, secure connection, we are able to show up in the community in a much more authentic way. If we are authentic and comfortable and confident and happy, then we won't need to rely so much on bragging about houses and getting breast implants. We can enjoy each other as human beings without so much worry that the wrong person is going to want to fuck us or that we aren't fuckable, because we will be able to negotiate things so we can talk to who we want to talk to, and fuck who we want to fuck, and that one doesn't have to lead to another. It makes the whole scene stronger, safer and more fun with people looking out for each other. Again, it starts with a strong relationship with the Self.

We are all insecure on some level and looking for validation and love. Even though I must be careful not to get an earful of people's woes at parties, it pleases me that my presence allows people to let down their guard and show me that we are all human, and that sometimes we all need a little help with our confusing feelings. I think the lifestyle affords a lot of healing for those who know how to utilize it. And how that's done, I'll leave for another day.

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