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 FEATURE April 2008 

The Fucking Miracle Cure


Prescription: One fuck twice per day...

Is your medicine cabinet overflowing with a plethora of pills and supplements? Have you wasted your time trying countless beauty products that don't live up to their promises? Are you tired of spending thousands of dollars on hundreds of different pharmaceuticals?

What if I were to tell you that there is a single miracle cure that could accomplish everything those health products, medicines and beauty treatments can? But wait, there's more! What if I were also to tell you that this miracle cure is all natural, fun, and 100% free?

So, what the fuck is this fucking miracle cure called?... It's Fucking!

Scientists and medical researchers all over the world have been uncovering the many of the incredible health benefits of fucking. So, what exactly can fucking do for you?

A Fucking Painkiller
Headaches are no longer an excuse not to have sex. In fact, if you could bottle sex you'd put Tylenol out of business!

Right before you experience an orgasm, your body's oxytocin levels surge to five times their normal level. This signals your brain to release a massive flood of endorphins into the body. These endorphins can relieve everything from headaches to arthritis pain.

In women, sex also prompts the production of extra estrogen, which can alleviate the various pains related to PMS.

Warning: Fucking has been known to worsen some headaches if the patient repeatedly bangs their head on the headboard.

A Fucking Cold & Allergy Medicine
Sex is a natural antihistamine and can unblock a stuffy nose. It can even help combat asthma and hay fever.

During sex Vasopressin is released which constricts and narrows blood vessels, acting as natural antihistamine. The swollen membranes in your nose shrink and allow for easier breathing.

But why bother using sex as cold reliever when you can use it to avoid getting sick in the first place? Studies have shown that shagging at least once or twice a week greatly boosts the body's levels of Immunoglobulin A, an antibody which strengthens the immune system.

A Fucking Weight Loss and Fitness Enhancer
Despite the claims that Chuck Norris makes about his Total Gym System, sex is the ONLY exercise that can really stretch, tone, sculpt and improve virtually every muscle in your body. This is especially true if you tend to use several different positions during your regular romps.

Are you looking for a good cardio workout? Just 30 minutes of heart-pounding sex can burn between 100-200+ calories depending on your weight and how vigorous you are. That's about the same as spending 20 minutes on the stair master. By having sex three times a week for an entire year, you could be burning around 30,000 calories! That would work off the calories from the 52 Big Macs you ate.

But if you want help avoiding those Big Macs in the first place, then I've got good news! Having sex lowers your body's level of Cortisol, a stress hormone which causes fatigue and food cravings. Ladies, while we're on the subject of food, maybe you should reconsider spitting next time you have a mouthful of semen – It might be the healthiest thing you've eaten all week. The average helping of male ejaculation contains calcium, B-12, Zinc and about the same amount of protein as a 6 oz filet mignon. All that and it's only six calories... You can't find a drink like that at Jamba Juice!

Speaking of drinks, do you remember your mother telling you to drink milk so that you'd develop healthy bones and muscles? Well, she could have also told you to have sex... Well, maybe that would have been weird... The point is, the testosterone boost that your body produces during sex aids in the maintenance of muscle mass and strength. It also improves bone density and helps ward off osteoporosis.

A Fucking Beauty Treatment
It's been proven that when women have sex their bodies produce large amounts of the hormone estrogen, which in turn produces shinier hair, smoother skin and can even delay the onset of wrinkles by slowing the depletion of their body's collagen levels.

Vigorous sex can also reduce your chances of suffering from skin problems such as dermatitis, rashes and other blemishes. Working up a good sweat during sex cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

Regular sex also makes you smile more, which will always make a person look more beautiful.

A Fucking Anti-Depressant
Screw Prozac and screw someone! Sex can instantly cure mild depression. The sexual release of endorphins combined with pleasure inducing hormones such as Oxytocin, Dopamine and Vasopressin produces a powerful and euphoric sense of well-being and can temporarily raise serotonin levels.

A study of 293 women conducted by psychologist Gordon Gallup found that sexually active women who didn't use condoms while having sex were less subject to feelings of depression than those who did. It was theorized that special cocktail of hormones that are unique to male seminal fluid are absorbed by the vagina and act as a natural antidepressant in women. While it hasn't yet been proven if semen ejaculated into a women mouths can produce the same antidepressant effects on them, it has been proven to make the men very happy.

A Fucking Dental Hygienist
Sexual arousal is usually accompanied by an increase of salivary production. The increase in saliva helps carry buffering agents that can neutralize the acids that cause tooth decay and helping to prevent the build up of plaque.

Seminal fluid contains zinc, calcium and other minerals shown to prevent tooth decay... Plus, the tube that this toothpaste comes in is a lot more fun to squeeze!

Lastly, if you practice proper sexual etiquette then you probably brush your teeth before having sex, thus leading to a healthier (and naughtier) smile.

A Fucking Sleep Aid
Sex is safer than any commercial sleeping pill on the market. When was the last time someone tried to commit suicide by overdosing on sex?

Oxytocin is a powerful muscle relaxant and stress reliever that is released during sex. Both Oxytocin and Vasopressin are chemicals that are often found in the presence of Melatonin, a chemical produced during REM sleep which regulates our sleep cycle.

If you were to compare the sedative effects felt by a woman who has just had sex to that of drinking two glasses of red wine... Then for men the affect of having sex is akin to being hit in the neck with a tranquilizer dart. The male orgasm releases a large amount of Prolactin, a hormone responsible for the feeling of sexual satisfaction. Normally Prolactin occurs in its highest levels during sleep. Scientists observed that animals injected with Prolactin become immediately sleepy. It is also noted that the more Prolactin that a male produces during orgasm the longer his refractory period is before being able to "pop his cork" again. While females do produce some amount of Prolactin during orgasm, it is in much lesser amounts than that produced by males. This may be one of the contributing factors to the multi-orgasmic potential of women. Interestingly enough it has been proven that the amount of Prolactin released in a man having an orgasm from intercourse is four times higher than the amount released from masturbating. Some female biologists believe that the males evolved this trait over millions of years in order to avoid talking after sex.

Lastly, sex will help you sleep better because sex is exercise. Doing it enough will tucker you out just like any other highly physical activity would.

A Fucking Aphrodisiac
Believe it or not, the more sex you have, the more sex you are likely to be offered. While this might partly be due to the lascivious reputation that you've developed, there are also some biological factors at work. If you've ever found yourself attracted to someone because you felt they "oozed sex," that may have been exactly the case...

When you are sexually active, not only will you physically look sexier (See: A Fucking Beauty Treatment & A Fucking Weight Loss and Fitness Enhancer) but your body will begin producing higher levels of sex pheromones. These subtle chemicals are inhaled by other people where they infiltrate their olfactory system and stimulate the Jacobson's Organ [insert penis joke here]. The result can be a primal feeling of sexual arousal.

A Fucking Prostate Cancer Preventative
The male prostate produces seminal fluid by drawing substances from the blood such as citric acid, zinc and potassium, then concentrating them up to six-hundred times. Unfortunately, any carcinogens present in the blood also become concentrated. If these concentrated carcinogens hang around for long enough, they can lead to prostate cancer.

The good news is that all these carcinogens can be easily flushed out through ejaculation. A study published by the British Journal of Urology International found that that men in their 20s could effectively reduce their chance of getting prostate cancer by 1/3 simply by ejaculating more than five times a week... Which is exactly what I tried to explain to my college roommate that time when he walked in on me "battling cancer" while looking at a photo of his girlfriend.

A Fucking Life Extender
A research study following 1000 men in Great Britain over several decades concluded that a man's chances of death go down by an average of 36% just by having 100 orgasms a year. Amazingly, this affected almost all causes of death. The men who weren't having frequent sex died from everything from heart attacks to strokes to suicide.

A similar study of women found that it was not the frequency of sex, but their sexual satisfaction that led to a longer life. In fact, one study found that female sexual dissatisfaction led to an increased likelihood of heart attack.

So it would seem that having any sex will prolong the life of man as long as he has a lot of it, but to prolong the life of a woman, it actually has to be good sex. Geez, as if men weren't under enough pressure when it comes to satisfying a woman in bed... Now we have to worry about it actually killing them!

A Fucking Product Disclaimer: All of the benefits described above apply only to people who are practicing safe sex. If you contract an STD or find yourself with an unwanted pregnancy, all the fucking benefits of sex may become null and void.

So don't get angry the next time someone says, "Fuck You!"... They might actually be saying, "To your health!"

Have two fucks and call me in the morning.

Artwork by T.J. Kirsch.



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About the writer...
Mr. Seedyeye (sometimes called 'Mr. CDI') is the alter ego of Kasidie Magazine's Editor and Creative Director. He's also the creator of coupledoingit.com, an instructional web site for swingers. In his spare time, he enjoys researching and writing ridiculous articles about sex and sexuality.
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