The Kasidie Sexual Patent Office
Unusual Sexual Inventions, from Sick or Brilliant Minds
compiled and commented on by Mr. COUPLEDOINGIT
All of the sex products that you are about to see are 100% real. The following are actual sex product patents registered with the U.S. Patent Office, by real people. I just wanted to make this clear up front, because frankly, even I wouldn't beleive that I didn't make some of these sex products up!
Along with each patent's 'abstract' (a summary of the product written by its creator) I've included the real patent number along with a link to the patent itself, for those of you who'd like to learn more about any of these sexual devices.
(Patent number: 6751348)
Abstract
A method of detecting pornographic images, wherein a color reference database is prepared in LAB color space defining a plurality of colors representing relevant portions of a human body. A questionable image is selected, and sampled pixels are compared with the color reference database. Areas having a matching pixel are subjected to a texture analysis to determine if the pixel is an isolated color or if other comparable pixels surround it; a condition indicating possible skin. If an area of possible skin is found, the questionable image is classified as objectionable. A further embodiment includes preparation of a questionable image reference shape database defining objectionable shapes. An image with a detected area of possible skin is compared with the shape database, and depending on the results of the shape analysis, a predefined percentage of the images are classified for manual review.
Simple Translation:
Software that detects photos of vaginas.
If someone used this software to scan my computer's hard drive, it would probably overload and short out half of the western United States. I also highly recomend memorizing the mathematical equation shown in the illustration. It's a great way to make a robot blush.
(Patent number: 6273575)
Abstract
A self-inspection apparatus includes a frame that supports a mirror. The frame includes first and second side members connected to first and second cross-members. The inner edges of the first and second side members and the first and second cross-members define an opening that permits access to a user's genital region. The first side member includes a first protrusion and the second side member includes a second protrusion that along with the inner edge of the first cross-member define a slot for holding the mirror. Furthermore, the first side member extends beyond the second cross-member to form a first mounting member and the second side member extends beyond the second cross-member to form a second mounting member. The inner edge of the first mounting member, the inner edge of the second mounting member, and the outer edge of the second cross-member define a curved surface that approximates the shape of a toilet bowl.
Simple Translation:
A mirror for your toilet.
I guess this isn't such a bad idea for girls who'd like to check themselves for toiletpaper after they use the toilet. Or perhaps you just really enjoy watching yourself pee?
(Patent number: 6055910)
Abstract
A toy gas-fired missile and launcher assembly whose missile is composed of a soft head and a tail extending therefrom formed by a piston. The piston is telescoped into the barrel of a launcher having a closed end on which is mounted an electrically-activated ignitor, the air space between the end of the piston and the closed end of the barrel defining a combustion chamber. Joined to the barrel and communicating with the chamber therein is a gas intake tube having a normally-closed inlet valve. To operate the assembly, the operator places the inlet tube with its valve open adjacent his anal region from which a colonic gas is discharged. The piston is then withdrawn to a degree producing a negative pressure to inhale the gas into the combustion chamber to intermix with the air therein to create a combustible mixture. The ignitor is then activated to explode the mixture in the chamber and fire the missile into space.
Simple Translation:
A fart powered missle launcher inserted into your asshole.
This invention gives new meaning to the term Silent But Deadly.
(Patent number: 6805663)
Abstract
A method of sharing erotic experiences includes providing a building with a number of compartments, entertainment viewable from inside the compartments and surround sound music audible throughout the building, participants enter the building and go to the compartments, starting the entertainment at a proscribed time, and turning on the power from a central control booth at a proscribed time to a stimulation device for sexual pleasure found in each of the compartments. The facilities are such that sounds from the participants are transferred between the compartments, such that couples or individuals in one compartment can hear others in the building also experiencing intense sexual pleasure. The individual compartments may further contain a whirlpool tub with jets starting at a prescribed time. Importantly, security is provided to maintain order in the building, and regular cleaning and sanitizing of the compartments and stimulation device is provided.
Simple Translation:
The world's most boring on-premise swinger club.
This brilliant inventor has created a way for a group people in the same building to have an orgy without ever touching, seeing, or interacting with each other... As a swinger, this goes against everything I believe in!
Also, how can you be certain that your parents aren't in the next booth?
(Patent number: 2175964)
Abstract
Protector or means adapted to be worn by a ram to prevent sexual intercourse with ewes, when desired, rather than resorting to penning up the ram for long periods of time, as is customary and which is harmful to the ram.
Simple Translation:
A security lock for a sheep's boner.
The inventor claims that this device is a less harmful alternative to penning up the ram... But I don't think he's taking into account the devastating psychological damage that the animal is probably suffering.
Also, is anyone else disturbed by this device's strong resemblance to sexy sheep lingerie.
(Patent number: 5620429)
Abstract
A feminine napkin that permits external sexual intercourse. A round bag is attached to the front side of the napkin. The bag is in the size and shape of the vagina to give the husband the same sexual feelings. The round bag has an opening and rings, windings and protrusions, as well as a suitable cream. This bag has also a downward extension for fixing the napkin on the vagina opening when the woman lies on her back. The fixing extension is placed between the rumps and may be coated by an adhesive material. The round bag can be taken off the napkin and disposed while continuing to use the napkin.
Simple Translation:
A new method of making sex during a woman's period far more awkward and disgusting than ever before.
Yes, this a Maxi-pad with a fuckable artificial vagina! Frankly, if a man is so disgusted by the thought of having sex with a woman during her period, that he is actually willing to resort to this... he's might as well just leave the woman out of it all together and just have sex with a box of her menstrual pads.
(Patent number: 5928170)
Abstract
A hand-held sexual vibrator including a vibrating mechanism and an audio signal processor for recording and playing back personalized messages, before or after sexual interplay, for enhanced aural stimulation. The audio signal processor is enclosed within the housing of the vibrator.
Simple Translation:
A digital voice recorder that you can put in your pussy.
This device is perfect if you're one of those women who is always forgetting the great ideas that you thought up when you were masturbating. For example: "Oooh yeah... call Countrywide... mmmmm, oooh... about refinancing... oooh yes, yes... my mortgage... Oh, fuck YESSS!!!!"
(Patent number: 5782779)
Abstract
A vibrating tampon apparatus for easing a woman's menstrual cramps wherein the apparatus includes an inner vibrator unit and an outer tampon unit surrounding the vibrator unit which includes a vibrator motor which is actuated by a tampon string for imparting vibratory motion to the apparatus.
Simple Translation:
Well... it's a vibrating tampon. The title really says it all.
Hey ladies, now having your period can be fun! Although, be aware that if this tampon happens to fall out, it will skitter quickly across the floor and is almost impossible to catch... so you might want to warn your cleaning lady.
(Patent number: 7147609)
Abstract
A volumetric measuring device for measuring a body part. The device includes a fluid container filled with fluid. The fluid container has a body part opening for permitting the insertion of a body part and a displaced fluid opening for permitting the flow of fluid that has been displaced as the result of inserting the body part. A fluid-tight barrier covers the body part opening and maintains a fluid-tight seal over the body part opening while the body part is being inserted. The volumetric measurement is determined by measuring the amount of displaced fluid after the insertion of the body part through the body part opening. In a preferred embodiment, the body part being measured is an erect penis.
Simple Translation:
The definitive way to measure the size of your penis.
No more confusion about whether your supposed to measure from the top or the bottom. No more debates about length vs girth. Once this baby hits the market, the only thing that the girls will wonder is how much water your penis can displace. Soon you'll hear women saying things like, "I'd love to fuck that guy. I heard his cock is a quart and a half!"
(Patent number: 7122000)
Abstract
A water pipe providing sexual stimulation includes a tube with an exit port at its upper end, a reservoir port at its lower end, and an inlet port. The inlet port is spaced from the lower end whereby the inlet port remains exposed when the lower end is inserted into a vagina. The lower end cooperates with the wall of the vagina to form a water reservoir holding water in the lower end and the vagina. A stem is received into the inlet port with an end opening submerged in the water reservoir. Suction applied at the exit port draws air through the stem to bubble through the water reservoir to generate stimulatory vibrations transmitted to the vagina. Optionally, a bowl holding combustible material communicates with the stem such that smoke bubbles through the water reservoir to simultaneously filter and cool the smoke and generate stimulatory vibrations.
Simple Translation:
A bong that requires insertion into a vagina to work.
First, I'd like to say how impressed I am that the inventor of this device was actually clear-headed enough to properly complete the complex process that is required to file a patent correctly.
Second, I honestly wonder if there is a girl in this world who's love of smoking weed outweighs her dislike of having her vagina filled with bong water.
Third, I'd like to say that Vagina Bong Water is a really awesome name for a band.
Check back in future issues of Kasidie Magazine for more unusual inventions from the Kasidie Sex Product Patent Office!
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