"I should tell you up-front... I'm not looking for a relationship."

Those were the words I spoke when I met him. Strike that. Those were the words I spoke before I even met him in person.

Artwork by T.J. Kirsch.

It seemed superfluous to say them, given that I'd met him on a premier lifestyle site – and that we'd both been active in the lifestyle as swingles for a number of years. However, something prompted me to speak those words.

He agreed. He was not looking for a relationship, either.

The night he proposed, the night I said yes... we both laughed about those words. We remembered them vividly.

How did we go from being perfectly-content swingles to a newly-formed swinging couple? How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie-roll center of a tootsie pop?

The answer to both questions is the same: "The world may never know."

In the mean time, I can at least share my thoughts on the topic.

While I considered friendship a key component to my successful lifestyle relationships, I didn't see the lifestyle as a source for long-term, dating relationships.

There are many aspects of this subject to consider... "dating" in the lifestyle, finding love in the lifestyle, becoming a couple in the lifestyle. I'm sure there are others, but I'm going to stick to my realm of experience.

"Dating" in the Lifestyle – I never considered the lifestyle as a dating "realm". In fact, during the times I sought a dating-type relationship, I went to vanilla dating sites. While I considered friendship a key component to my successful lifestyle relationships (whether with a single male, single female, or couple), I didn't see the lifestyle as a source for long-term, dating relationships.

I'm not sure if this made me a more or less attractive "unicorn", but I certainly had more encounters with single males than with couples in the lifestyle. This may be due to the fact that I received many more messages (on the lifestyle site) from single males than from couples. Generally, though, my experiences with single males were not of a "dating" nature and were similar, contextually, to my experiences with couples.

Finding Love in the Lifestyle – I wasn't looking for love and didn't consider the lifestyle an avenue to finding a relationship. I was divorced, but hadn't been in the lifestyle with my ex-husband. I'd only become active in the lifestyle after my divorce. I never pictured myself as part of a couple in the lifestyle. I wasn't avoiding it, but it just didn't enter into my "equation". I'd found happiness being single and decided that I'd prefer to stay that way.

When you become a couple, you have a lot of other considerations. How do I feel? How does my partner feel? How does the other couple (or swingle) feel?

Then I met Him. I capitalize Him because it's like talking about The One. I met a man in the lifestyle, but had no expectation of anything resulting from our meeting. It's funny how that works. Because, as it happens, I fell in love with him. And he fell in love with me. Which leads us to the story of him proposing (in the middle of a snowstorm, outside, on one knee, I might add – yes, I'm a romantic, and so is he!)

Becoming a Couple in the Lifestyle –I don't have the answer to this. My love and I are still figuring it out. We've done very well as lifestyle swingles. However, it becomes a whole new ball game when you're a swingle becoming a couple. We are figuring it out as we go along. We talk. A lot. We talk about our fears and insecurities; about our desires and fantasies.

But I'll be honest – it takes work. It's tough going from being two swingles to a couple. As a swingle, your focus is on you and the person(s) you're with. When you become a couple, you have a lot of other considerations. How do I feel? How does my partner feel? How does the other couple (or swingle) feel? This isn't a bad thing. I'm just saying that it isn't as simple as two people deciding to "hook up" to play with others.

So we come back to those words...

"I should tell you up-front... I'm not looking for a relationship."

Many of us aren't... it's often at that time that we find just what we "aren't looking for" but maybe what we need.

Whatever the case... while the lifestyle may not be designed for matchmaking, it can still be a place to find your match... if that's what you want to find.

I and my love are proof of that.

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