Compared to the sex lives of these animals, swingers look pretty tame.

by SEEDYEYE

I've been a swinger for nearly 10 years, and I've been watching porn since before I could shave. Between the two I've seen a lot of things. Weird things. Amazing things. Disturbing things. Downright sickening things. Humans are capable of a wide array of bizarre acts when it comes to our sexual kinks... But no matter how creative or depraved we get in the bedroom, we will always be a long way off from achieving the level of twisted sexual perversion that Mother Nature has endowed upon some of the creatures in the animal kingdom.

The female cichlid fish lays hers eggs on the sea floor then immediately scoops them into her mouth for safe keeping. Upon seeing this the male begins to turn over on his side, revealing some markings near his genitals which look almost identical to the eggs that the female just laid. Fearing that she may have dropped a few of her eggs, the female attempts to suck the male's genitals into her mouth–At which point the male ejaculates a huge load of his fishy love goo!

She doesn't even spit it out afterwards. Maybe the combination of fish eggs and semen is delicious?... But I wouldn't recommend ordering that at the sushi bar.

Argentine Lake Duck

Guys, how'd you like to be told that you're "hung like a duck?" Well if the the person who said it lives near a lake in Argentina, it might be a compliment!

If Donald Duck were hung like this, he might have worn some pants.

The male Argentine Lake Duck has a 17 inch penis... and just in case you think that was a typo, or that you have misread, I'll repeat: The male Argentine Lake Duck has a 17 inch penis! Please keep in mind that the average size of an Argentine Lake Duck's body is 16 inches from his beak to his tail, meaning that this web-footed wonder has a whopping wang that's longer than his body.

So how did this duck become such a colossally cocked quacker? Apparently this species of duck is extremely promiscuous. The female is attracted to the male with the most massive mallard member. So in the spirit of sexually selective competition, the male Argentine Lake Duck has evolved longer and longer bird boners over the years.

But just like many human females who are attracted to huge equipment, when it comes time to actually do the deed, the female Lake Duck often realizes that what seemed like a good idea in theory, is actually a much more massive undertaking than she thinks she can handle... so she runs like hell! Ladies, I don't care how big you like 'em... you'd run too if your lover's penis was longer than you.

The male gives chase. Once he catches the fleeing female, he actually uses his penis as a lasso in order to restrain her. In other words, he does some bird-bondage using his duck-dick as the rope. He makes sure to leave some slack, so he can insert the tip into her and fill her with his lusty "Foie Gras of Love "

Here's a related fact about the male Argentine Lake Duck: "The bird is extremely clumsy on land and spends most of its time in the water"... Can you really blame the guy? I would be extremely clumsy too if I had to haul a 6 foot doodle-noodle from my crotch all day long. I'd probably prefer to keep mine floating in water too.

This cousin to the octopus and squid takes the fear of sexual intimacy to a bizarre new level.

When the male paper nautilus spots a receptive female that he'd like to do the deed with, he completely avoids contact with her. Instead, he detaches his penis from his body and launches it at her. His penis is able to swim under its own power, and like a genitalia-seeking torpedo, homes in on the female.

Can you imagine if human's engaged in this type of detachable penis behavior? Going to a swinger's party would be a very different experience. Men would be throwing their penises all over the place (I'd probably keep my drink covered up if I were you). And at the end of the night, your clothes and keys wouldn't be the most important thing you are searching for. I've accidentally taken someone else shirt home before... But this would have the potential to be MUCH more embarassing!

Porcupine

Life is tough when you're a horny male porcupine. You only get a 8-12 hour window of opportunity to have sex each year... and what's worse, when you finally do have sex, IT'S WITH FUCKING PORCUPINE! I guess that the only redeeming thing about the female porcupine's 364.5 days of being totally frigid, is that when she finally is ready for sex... she likes it really kinky!

To get her in the mood, the male porcupine stands straight up on his hind legs, gets a raging erection, lets out a sexy grunt, and from a distance of 6 feet away completely douses her with a high pressure stream of urine. The sheer distance of the male's urine cannon suggests that his pee is not being forced out by his bladders muscles as usual, but by muscles his body uses for ejaculation. Meaning, he's definitely getting off on this. As if he had drank an entire keg of beer, he keeps peeing on her for almost a minute until she is completely soaked from head to toe. Why does he do this? Because the female porcupine is a prickly pee-slut who loves getting golden showers!

Before you get mad at me for not having a video of porcupine sex... I tried! Oh how I tried! I would think there'd be a HUGE market for porcupine porn, seeing as how the males only get laid once a year.

Suitably aroused by her dousing of his "warm bladder champagne," the female porcupine raises her tail, the underside of which has no quills. She curves her tail up over her back, covering her quills and exposing her "PorcuPussy". The male, still on his hind legs and looking rather sharp (sorry, I couldn't resist), struts the 6 feet over to her as if he was John Wayne. Then, being very careful not to grab anything but the quill-free part of her curled tail he VERY VERY CAREFULLY inserts his "PorcuPenis" into the vagina of his urine-soaked girlfriend so he can start "PorcuPorking" her. Within 2-5 minutes the male orgasms violently... Can you blame him? He hasn't had sex in a year!

After sex, the male is exhausted, but the female porcupine remains horny... and thorny (Sorry. Again, I couldn't resist). She immediately wanders off, looking for as many males as she possibly can to fulfil her watersport fetish in the next 8-12 hours. But when the clock runs out and her libido finally subsides, she finds that she's covered in piss and filled with the semen of every prick in the neighborhood. I can only image that the shame, disgust and embarassment she feels is probably the reason she decides to takes a vow of celibacy for another year... Geez, and I thought humans were sexually repressed.

Spotted Leopard Slug

I don't mean to sound weird or anything... But this slug porn video might be one of the hottest sex scenes I've ever seen caught on tape!... Um... Come to think about it, I guess there is no way I can possibly say that without sounding weird. But seriously, I think this slug video should get nominated for a few AVN awards... Like: "Best Use Of Mucus", "Best Expandable Head Penis" and "Best Supporting Actor (Sir David Attenbourough)".

Be sure to look out for more Wild Kingdom Kinksters in upcoming issues of Kasidie Magazine!

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