This is definitely something that that is important to discuss with anyone who you're going to have a relationship with. It's always better to reveal something like this sooner than later. However, there is possibly such a thing as too soon. Telling a guy that you are a swinger on the very first date could potentially backfire. He might make assumptions and judgements about you before getting to know who you really are. Or just as bad, he might suddenly become overly interested in you for all the wrong reasons.

You specifically asked "When and how do I tell the men I'm dating?" I'd say that it's important to come clean before you decide to turn the men you are dating into the man you are dating. In other words, if you feel as though one of the guys you are casually dating might turn into something more, it's probably important to tell him before you take that next step. The sooner the better.

After a few dates with any person, you should hopefully have some sort of sense of how they would react to the news that you're a swinger. But if you are having trouble reading them, you could always bait the hook and see how they bite. For example:

While telling an unrelated story, make an off-the-cuff remark about being bisexual, like: "I ate at this restaurant a few years ago. The girl I was dating didn't like it, but really enjoyed it."

See how he reacts to that. More than likely, it will start a dialogue about your sexuality. It's been my experience that most guys are thrilled to hear a girl talk about her sexuality! If he's not thrilled to hear about it... well, there's a good chance the guy is not going to be very open-minded about your lifestyle.

I have one last thing I'll say on this subject. While the lifestyle is fantastic, I would hope you don't pass up a chance at true love simply because someone isn't keen to the idea of swinging. Just because someone isn't interested in swinging, doesn't necessarily mean that he's not the right guy for you... in the end it all comes down to your own priorities.

Being highly sexually active is absolutely ok... In fact it can be very healthy (see this month's article The Fucking Miracle Cure.)

What is not healthy are the numerous relationship problems that can result from a couple who fights about sex. In my opinion, fighting about sex is one of stupidest and most unnecessary fights a couple can have.

Firstly, let me say that your husband's behavior is immature and unacceptable. There is no doubt about that. There is never a good excuse for insulting your partner. But let's take this a step further and examine why he is acting this way.

The male ego can be an extremely fragile thing when it comes to sex. Your husband is obviously feeling rejected by you when you are not in the mood for sex. When you don't feel like having sex, your husband's ego is interpreting it as: "I don't want to have sex with YOU." He's then taking his feelings of rejection and hurt and throwing them in your face, trying to make you feel just as bad and insecure about yourself as he is feeling about himself. Once again, this is not mature adult behavior and probably stems back to some issues of rejection in his childhood.

So what can you do about it? First off, you should to talk to your husband about his behavior and how it makes you feel. It's important that you do this in a NON-accusatory or angry manner, otherwise you might make things worse. Explain to him the reasons that you sometimes don't feel like having sex that don't have anything to do with him. For example, sometimes women just aren't feeling very sexy about ourselves. Having someone make us feel worse definitely doesn't help our ego any. If he understands that the reason you aren't in the mood has nothing to do with him, it might cushion the blow to his ego.

Communication is always key... But my additional solution (Please hear me out on this, because you're probably going to think I'm crazy...) is to just have sex with him! Before you roll your eyes and claim that I'm setting back the women's movement, let me explain. Sex is like sandpaper for a relationship... It smoothes out all the bumps and rough edges. It is nearly impossible to have a fight with someone you just had sex with. Haven't you ever noticed that the longer you go without having sex with your partner is directly linked to how likely you are to get annoyed about the little insignificant shit that they do? The cap being left off the toothpaste again might drive you into a rage... But after you've had sex with each other recently, it doesn't really seem to matter as much. Sex is soooooooo important when it comes to defusing hostility in a relationship (See what Dr. Susan Block has to say about sex defusing hostility in this month's interview)

"But what if I'm not in the mood?" you ask. That's understandable. I'm not always in the mood either. But here's the thing that a lot of people don't understand about their own body. There are two types of sexual arousal: mental arousal & physical arousal. Usually people (especially women) will feel mentally aroused before they start to feel physically aroused. But it can work the other way as well! Tell him that even though you're not presently "in the mood", if he gives you and orgasm first, your mood might change. Even if you are not feeling mentally aroused at that moment, try letting your husband go down on you, or gently use your favorite vibrator on you. You don't need to do anything at all... just lay there, relax and let your body get physically aroused. I guarantee you that your brain will quickly follow. It's just like exercise... You never feel like doing it, but once you start, it feels great and you want more.

So yes, he's been acting like a jerk... And I'm not telling you to reward him with sex for acting like a jerk. I'm simply saying 1) To always communicate openly about your feelings with your husband. 2) If you enjoy having sex and you know that it will make you both feel good, help avoid conflicts and relieve relationship tension... Is there really any reason not to have a quickie?