After being in the lifestyle for some time, a couple has a heart to heart talk about if they are to continue swinging or not. The husband decides to take a walk out in the city and mull it over.

During his walk he runs in to a disheveled homeless man who asks for some money. He replies to the homeless man:

"If I give you some money, will you spend it on booze?" "No" replied the homeless man "I don't drink"

"If I give you some money will you spend it partying with you're friends like that guy in the van down by the river?" "Absolutely not" he said, "I gave up partying long time ago".

"If I give you some money will you spend it on a hooker?" "Not a chance" the homeless guy said" I'm just trying to survive here, I don't do those kinda things".

The man paused a second and said "In that case, I'll take you home with me and my wife will cook you a fantastic dinner". "I don't know" the homeless man replied, "I'm very dirty, I'm a mess and I smell bad".

"That's okay," said the man "I just want my wife to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, party or have sex"

A 70 year old lifestyle man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor? and your wifes o.k. with that" the old man replied,"Sure! My wifes an adult. In fact the lady nest door is over all the time, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DAMN jar open!"

Suzie has a pet parrot that she totally adores, but every time she has male company over, her parrot blurts out, "My name's Sally, I'm a swinger!".

One evening, Suzie's having her local priest over for dinner. She covers the cage with a sheet so the parrot won't see the preist and blurt out anything embarassing during his visit.

Later, while Suzie is off getting their drinks, the priest notices the covered cage. Curious, he lifts the sheet, and immediately, Sally says, "My name's Sally and I'm a swinger!" Just then, Suzie walks in and hears what Sally has just said to the priest and is mortified. "I'm SO SORRY, Father, please forgive me, I can't seem to get my parrot to stop saying such horrible and nasty things..."

The priest then tells Suzie that he's got two parrots at home who are very well behaved and very religious... "My female parrot, Rose, recites the Rosary on her beads every night, while my other parrot, Mike, faithfully reads the Bible every night. Why don't you let me take Sally to my house for a few days so the boys can set her straight?"

Suzie agrees and the Father leaves that night with her parrot. As soon as he gets home, he puts Sally in the cage with Mike and Rose who are deep in prayer over their rosary beads and bible. As soon as the preist leaves the room Sally loudly squaks to her new friends, "My name's Sally and I'm a swinger!"

Patty looks up and says, "Mike, put that Bible down! Our prayers have finally been answered!!"

Doctor, doctor, please kiss me!" says the patient.

"No, I'm sorry, that would be against the code of ethics," says the doctor.

Ten minutes later the patient says: "Doctor, please, kiss me just once."

"No, I'm sorry, I just can't!" he says. Five minutes later, she asks again, "Please, please kiss me!"

"Look," says the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."

A man was suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he was referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.

The specialist asked him what his symptoms were and he replied, "I get these blinding headaches kind of like a knife across my scalp and..."

He was interrupted. "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?" "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, but I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes."

Two weeks went by and the man came back. "Well, how do you feel?" the doctor asked.

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way... You have a beautiful house!"

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

One night, a man and his lady friend were about to enter his apartment, when, before he could open the door, she says, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

"Well, give me some examples." says the man.

The lady explains, "Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me. If a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced, and that isn't for me either." Then she asks, "How do you unlock your door?"

"Well," said the man, "Before I do anything else, I lick the lock..."

Three couples – one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed – apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."

"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.

"We know," says the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed, doing what wooden puppets do, when she suddenly sighs uncomfortably.

He asks her why, and she replies, "You're probably the best lover I've ever had, but every time we make love you give me splinters."

So the next day Pinocchio seeks advice from Gepetto, who suggests a bit of sandpaper might "smooth out" Pinnochio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanks his creator and goes on his way.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio at the hardware store, where his little wooden friend is buying every package of sandpaper the store has in stock.

"So, Pinocchio," Gepetto remarks, "things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?"

"Girls?" says Pinocchio, "Who needs girls!?"

One day a man was doing door-to-door market research. He knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.

"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"

"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.

The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."