Dear A. Vanilla,

I tend to talk really dirty during sex. I was wondering, what is the dirtiest word in the english language? I'd love to yell it out next time I'm in bed.

Sincerely,
Filthy Mouth

There is a word that is so dirty, so filthy, so obscenely and repugnantly abhorrent, that it manages to personally offend a wider variety of people than any other repellant word that has ever existed... or probably ever will exist. This word is so repellant, that if you were to say it, you yourself may be so outraged that you'd end up punching yourself in the face!

In order to avoid facial self-pugilation on my part, I'm afraid that I cannot actually tell you the word. But I will tell you that this particular word is so atrocious that it is not just offensive in english, but transcends all language and culture barriers in its ability to violate the sensibilities of everyone who hears it. If you were to utter this word, you would be offending Americans, Asians, Europeans, Africans, Nords, Eskimos, Druids, Polynesians, Micronesians, Macronesians, Pygmies, Nigerians, Syrians, Lesbians, Thespians, Trekkies, Trekors, Trebeks, College A Cappella Groups, Civil War Enthusiasts, Uncivil War Enthusiasts, Childhood Imaginary Friends, Greeks, Geeks, Geeky Greeks, Greasy Geeks, Ghosts, Ghostbusters, Busty Ghosts, Transylvanians, Pennsylvanians, People Who Own Pomeranians, Miners, Minors, Web Designers, Prospectors, Funeral Directors, Bikini Inspectors, Stamp Collectors, Girls Who Practice Wiccan, The San Diego Chicken, People Who Use Quicken, Physicians, Magicians, Automotive Technicians, Money Loaners, Cat Owners, Blood & Semen Sample Donors, Scuba Divers, Taxi Drivers, People Married to Maria Shriver, Baseball Players, Land Surveyors, Former New York City Mayors, Classical Bassoonists, Hot Air Balloonists, T.J. Kirsch (Kasidie's Cartoonist), Swingers, Singers, Jerry Springer, and French Canadians just to name a few... I'm leaving a lot of people out, but the basic point I'm trying to illustrate is that quite a lot of different people find this word to be very displeasing.

Koko the Gorilla finally got her "mother fucking kitten"... but I fear that the damage had already been done.

So, where did the word come from? Who could be so inhuman as to come up with such a harmful and hideous affront to everyone and everything? I'll tell you exactly who could be so inhuman... Koko the Gorilla!

Have you've ever wondered why we don't teach ALL gorillas to use sign language? You've probably seen video footage of Koko using sign language to convey things like "Koko want kitten." and "Koko like banana.", and you thought to yourself, "Boy, wouldn't it be nifty if all gorillas could share their opinions on cats and fruit?" But what you didn't know is that that footage of Koko is heavily edited. Once you teach sign language to a gorilla, about 90% of what their daily conversation is just a long string of obscenities, racial slurs, and inappropriate sexual innuendo. The unspeakable word in question was coined by Koko on July 4th, 1981 on her 10th birthday when her trainer gave her a set of finger paints as a birthday gift. To which Koko signed, "What part of 'Koko want kitten' didn't you fucking understand? You #@$€°⁄%!?"

Sincerely Yours,
A. Vanilla, Humble Genius